Tag Archives: Fear

Walking on Water

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I cannot walk on water, liquid water, that is.  I do occasionally walk on the frozen variety, and slip on it, as the bruise on my back attests to.  I can walk among the vapor state of water, was driving through it last night, very slowly.  I cannot walk on water.  Not by my own power.  For the physics nerds I know, I suppose there might be some sort of device to attach to my feet to make it possible to walk on the surface of liquid water.  Something like a ‘snowshoe’ for water or boats for my feet.  After all, I am able to float on top of water when I swim, or when I am in a boat.  I leave that to the physicists.  Under my own power, I am not able to walk on water.

“And in the fourth watch of the night He came to them, walking on the sea.  When the disciples saw Him walking on the sea, they were terrified, and said, ‘It is a ghost!’  And they cried out in fear.  But immediately Jesus spoke to them, saying, ‘Take courage, it is I; do not be afraid.'”  Matthew 14:25-27

Jesus, fully human and fully divine, walked on water.  He had human feet which displaced water the same way mine do.  Yet, He walked on the surface of the water.  His divine nature interrupted the laws of physics so that He could walk on water.  Mark would have us believe that Jesus was planning to pass by His disciples in the boat (Mark 6:48).  He needed to get to the other side of the sea, more work to do, more hearts to convince, more souls to save.  Always more souls to save.  His disciples were “straining at the oars”, the wind against them.  They were having trouble getting where they needed to go.  But Jesus walked into the head wind, with ease, on the surface of the water.

The disciples did not call on the power of God to help them overcome their predicament.  They did not marvel at their Teacher.  They did not recall the great miracle He had done just hours before, feeding five thousand hungry people with five loaves of bread and two fish.  Rather, they thought Him a ghost, something they did not understand, something they feared.  Every one of them saw Jesus walking on the surface of the water, and not one of them recalled the miraculous scene they witnessed just hours before.  No David in their midst to encourage faith instead of fear, to slay the wind with faithful courage and five smooth stones (1 Samuel 17:1-54).

Jesus calls out to them, tells them not to be afraid, that it is He, their Teacher, their Friend, who used the power of God to feed a multitude with a pittance of resources.  Peter is not convinced.  Or, isn’t he?  “Lord, if it is You, command me to come to You on the water.”  (Matthew 14:28)  If it was not Jesus, Peter knew he would  start sinking with his first step on the surface.  If it was not Jesus, would a ghost command him to come? Finally, faith!  I can see Satan grinding his teeth at this one.  Peter, with the faith of a spiritual giant, proves faith true in one statement.  Jesus tells him to “Come!”  Peter steps out of the boat and walks on the surface of the water.  The great crescendo!  Peter does the physically impossible, just like the man who is fully divine.

“But seeing the wind, he became frightened, and beginning to sink, he cried out, ‘Lord, save me!'”  Matthew 14:30

The scratching of the vinyl against the needle.  Peter starts thinking too much and loses touch with the divine.  Satan gives it his best shot, roars the wind and Peter sinks.  He takes his eyes off of the Teacher, the One empowering him to defy the laws of physics, and allows doubt to blow into his mind.  ‘What if He really isn’t the Lord?  What if my faith isn’t strong enough?  What if I am supposed to be doing something to make this continue?  What if He changes His mind?  What if I’m not strong enough to continue this walk?  What made me think I can walk on water?’

“Immediately Jesus stretched out His hand and took hold of him, and said to him, ‘You of little faith, why did you doubt?”  Matthew 14:31

You were almost there, Peter!  Your doubt, your reliance on your own abilities, your fear, Satan’s windy distraction–you lost your focus, Peter, and you doubted.  But, you had faith!  None of your comrades in the boat did.  They didn’t step onto the surface of the water like you did.  They didn’t walk toward the Teacher like you did.  They had no courage to prove belief true, but you did.  The Teacher gives you a lifeline; your faith resurges as He grabs hold of you and walks you back to the boat.  Satan loses his power over you and your mates, and the wind stops.  The Teacher didn’t let you sink.  He was never going to let you sink.

Do I believe He will never let me sink–sink into my own despair, sink into my doubt, sink into Satan’s distractions–when I step out in faith on the surface of the water?  When He calls out to me to leave my boat in the midst of a storm and walk on water to Him, do I believe He will keep His eye on me?  Do I believe He will lead me to where He wants me to go?  Do I believe it is wiser to leave my faithless mates behind and follow only Him?

Common sense tells me it is impossible to walk on water.  Faith tells me I must walk on the surface of the water to get to where Jesus wants me to be, at His side and safe in His embrace.  If I stay in the boat of self-reliance, straining at the oars with the wind blowing against me, I will never get to the place of spiritual safety He intends for me.  By my own strength, I am powerless against Satan’s wind.

When I am at a point in life when a spiritual storm is raging around me, threatening to take me under, only by walking toward the Teacher on the surface of the water do I find safety.  A step of faith followed by another on uncertain surfaces, ever looking at His face and seeking His guidance, focused on His ability to rescue me if I falter, with the courage of a young shepherd facing a giant–this is how I should walk through the storms of life.  But, I have to get out of the boat.

“Trust in the Lord with all your heart And do not lean on your own understanding.  In all your ways acknowledge Him, And He will make your paths straight.  Do not be wise in your own eyes; Fear the Lord and turn away from evil.”  Proverbs 3:5-7

“And without faith it is impossible to please Him, for he who comes to God must believe that He is and that He is a rewarder of those who seek Him.”  Hebrews 11:6

All Bible quotes are from Zondervan’s Classic Reference Bible, New American Standard Bible–Updated Edition copyright 1999 by Zondervan

NEW AMERICAN STANDARD BIBLE, copyright 1960, 1962, 1963, 1968, 1971, 1972, 1973, 1975, 1977, 1995 by the Lockman Foundation.  Used by permission.

Just Say Thank You

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When I was a teen, I observed an event on several occasions that brought me a tinge of embarrassment.  My mother and my grandmother, my mother’s mother, whenever they would eat at a restaurant together, would regularly fight over the check.  I witnessed these epic battles several times, and I still cringe when I think about them.  These women were my primary role models.  Parts of me were afraid of them, all of me respected them, except in these moments.

My mother and grandmother are not alive to defend themselves, and I have no doubt they would try if they could.  They were both strong women of high moral character and normally very dignified in their behavior.  My family is better for them having been a part of it, and I spend much of my life living up to their memories.  I always wanted them to be proud of me, and I know that I made them proud.  They were loving women with great fortitude who saw their families through very difficult times.  They both suffered from debilitating, lifelong illnesses–my mother from rheumatoid arthritis and my grandmother from type one diabetes–and lived lives of grace and faith in spite of the toll disease ravaged on their bodies.  One of my greatest sorrows is that my girls had precious little opportunity to know who they were.  My younger daughter was only two years old when my grandmother passed, and she was five when my mother passed.

The stubbornness which buoyed my mother and grandmother through heartache and physical suffering also contributed to the battles over the checks.  Each could match the other in determination and focus.  Most of the time these battles ended with one grabbing the check from the waitress and the other letting out a huff of disapproval.  My mother could also add an eloquent eye roll.  What I learned from these skirmishes was to say, “Thank you.”  Every time someone picks up a check for my meal, I think of my mother and grandmother and the battles of the checks.  After the cringe, the memory brings me a smile.  And, I just say, “Thank you.”

I wonder how many times when God blesses me does He wish I would say, “thank you,” instead of all of the other things I come out with.  Sometimes, I think I deserve the blessing He bestows and pat myself on the back for a job well done.  Ingratitude is never pretty and puts much too much distance between my heart and His.  From time to time, I overlook His blessings completely because I’m not paying attention.  Occasionally, I don’t recognize a blessing because it doesn’t look like I think it should.  Amazingly, at times, I will fight with Him for the check.

“For everything created by God is good, and nothing is to be rejected if it is received with gratitude; for it is sanctified by means of the word of God and prayer.”  1 Timothy 4:5, 6

Now and then, God bestows a blessing, the answer to a long held prayer, to which He has been saying, “not yet.”  I am overwhelmed.  I don’t believe it because it comes in a package I did not imagine.  I wonder what the catch is, why it is so much more than I asked for, so different from what I thought it would be.  “Why now?” I ask myself.  I feel the burden of it, a steward’s responsibility, and I want to say, “no, thank you.”  I don’t trust God to know me well enough to know the best timing and appropriate quality of His blessings for me.  I look to either side of me and start to reach for something, anything, that feels like I deserve it or looks like I think it should.  Mediocrity.  Imperfection.  Triviality.  Surely I don’t deserve the blessings that belong to the child of a King!

“Therefore, since we receive a kingdom which cannot be shaken, let us show gratitude, by which we may offer to God an acceptable service with reverence and awe; for our God is a consuming fire.”  Hebrews 12:28, 29

But, I am the child of a King!  A gracious and glorious King who loves me.  I am a joint heir with the Savior of all humanity, entitled to every blessing in Heaven, even though I have not earned them.  If I don’t know how to handle a blessing, I have only to look to Him for guidance and strength.  If it doesn’t look like the blessing I was expecting, His package is much better for me.  If the burden of the responsibility of the gift is heavy, He will help me carry it.

“Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who has blessed us with every spiritual blessing in the heavenly places in Christ,”  Ephesians 1:3

Every blessing from God comes with some kind of responsibility.  Every holy gift is to be treasured and used for His glory.  Every godly endowment is to be nurtured and grown and shared for the benefit of His reputation.  Every good thing from God is to be accepted and opened with a gratitude that never fades.  Refusing a blessing from God or settling for anything less than what He deems I deserve is like spitting in His face, an affront to His great and glorious generosity.

“Do not be deceived, my beloved brethren.  Every good thing given and every perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of lights, with whom there is no variation or shifting shadow.”  James 1:16, 17

On this day of thanksgiving, I try to remember as many blessings as I can and thank God for each one.  I remember the times I almost did not accept a gift God provided, and I am deeply thankful He gave me the wisdom to walk past my fears into His gracious blessings.  My life would be much less full, much less happy, much less abounding in love if I had given in to my fears and trepidations.

I accept His gifts and, with all my heart, just say, “Thank You!”

“Give thanks to the Lord, for He is good; For His lovingkindness is everlasting.”  Psalm 118:1

All Bible quotes are from Zondervan’s Classic Reference Bible, New American Standard Bible–Updated Edition copyright 1999 by Zondervan

NEW AMERICAN STANDARD BIBLE, copyright 1960, 1962, 1963, 1968, 1971, 1972, 1973, 1975, 1977, 1995 by the Lockman Foundation.  Used by permission.

Spaghetti

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This is one of those weeks when my emotions seem to invade every piece of my life.  I am not a fan of days like these.  I like to feel in control of daily life.  This week, I feel like life is jumbled into a pile of spaghetti with pieces going in an endless array of directions, and I am not able to find the beginning or end of any one piece.

Have you tried to buy private health insurance lately?  I tried to buy mine for next year  only to be told I need to wait a month because they aren’t completely ready with the new plans for non-exchange customers.  Lovely.  I was hoping this chore was the one thing I could get accomplished this week.  I wanted to feel comfortable knowing this piece of life was taken care of.  Instead, I feel even more unsettled.

I went snow blower shopping.  To get the model that fits my property’s requirements, I will have to spend more than I had hoped, but the retailer will get rid of my old, broken machine for me and deliver the new one.  I could buy a less expensive model but it would probably break down sooner rather than later because I would use it beyond the specifications it was designed for.  I loathe buying machines.  I hate even more having to do it by myself, without a partner to share the burden, and the consequences.  Grief tries to flood in once again.

My five-year-old washer keeps giving me an error code partway into its cycles.  I looked up the code, and it seems I need to replace the filter screens in the water intake hoses.  Okay.  Not a big deal.  I should be able to accomplish this.  In my heart, though, it is another reminder I no longer have a handyman-in-residence.

I received the forgiveness I requested (“White Lie”), but I am still having trouble with moving beyond.  Let it go, I tell myself.  Just let it go.  They forgive you, feel it is of no consequence.  God forgives you.  What I feel is fear.  Fear that I will not see sin for what it is before I fall into it.  And next time the consequences may be more serious.  How can I forgive myself if my heart thinks I will just slip into sin again?  How can I feel spiritually safe with myself?

I heard on the radio a woman talking about her recent diagnosis.  She was expressing gratitude for the station’s programming which was encouraging to her in the difficulty she is facing.  I heard the fear in her voice, and the memories rushed in.  I remembered what it feels like to face medical uncertainty.  And I sobbed.  I asked God why this life has to be so hard.  I prayed for her, a stranger, to have the courage and strength I know too well she will need.

My inclination is to blame my current state of emotional confusion on hormones or on the time change last weekend.  Truthfully, both are playing a role, but fixing blame does not help me.  There is nothing I can do about the time change except wait for my body to adjust.  And hormones, well, I don’t have much control over them either other than the healthy habits I already avail myself of.

I could easily slip into a downward spiral of emotional morass, but I choose instead to see what God would have me learn:

Life is full of annoying chores.  Any time and energy I spend worrying about what might or might not happen tomorrow or next week or next month is wasted.  Eventually, I will be able to buy health insurance.

“‘So do not worry about tomorrow; for tomorrow will care for itself.  Each day has enough trouble of its own.'”  Matthew 6:34

My loss is eternity’s gain.  This life goes on whether I participate or not.  Allow grief to lessen, knowing God leads me through my struggle.  Move forward with life, no matter how hard it feels.

“Precious in the sight of the Lord Is the death of His godly ones.”  Psalm 116:15

No matter how I feel, God never leaves me alone.  No matter what circumstances occur in my life, I do not face any of them alone.  No matter how disheartening.  No matter how frustrating.  No matter how upsetting.  I am never alone.

“‘Be strong and courageous, do not be afraid or tremble at them, for the Lord your God is the one who goes with you.  He will not fail you or forsake you.'”  Deuteronomy 31:6

God’s grace is always big enough for my sin.  God wants my heart, wants me to want to be with Him.  His grace makes His forgiveness always possible.  As His child, no matter how far or how often I slip, His forgiveness is always, only, one confession away.

“If we confess our sins, He is faithful and righteous to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.”  1 John 1:9

This life is not the end; each day is new; God is faithful to those who love Him.  The hard days of this life move me to want the next life, eternal life in God’s presence in a resurrected body, even more.

“Remember my affliction and my wandering, the wormwood and bitterness.  Surely my soul remembers And is bowed down within me.  This I recall to my mind, Therefore I have hope.  The Lord’s lovingkindnesses indeed never cease, For His compassions never fail.  They are new every morning; Great is Your faithfulness.  ‘The Lord is my portion,’ says my soul, ‘Therefore I will have hope in Him.'”  Lamentations 3:19-24

 This life is not going to be easy, simple, fair or always happy.  Because sin is a part of every day on this earth, because earthly perfection was lost with the first bite of the forbidden fruit, this life will have hard days, days of jumbled emotions and fractious thinking.  If I choose to endure and persevere, I will find blessing.

“Blessed is a man who perseveres under trial; for once he has been approved, he will receive the crown of life which the Lord has promised to those who love Him.”  James 1:12

All Bible quotes are from Zondervan’s Classic Reference Bible, New American Standard Bible–Updated Edition copyright 1999 by Zondervan

NEW AMERICAN STANDARD BIBLE, copyright 1960, 1962, 1963, 1968, 1971, 1972, 1973, 1975, 1977, 1995 by the Lockman Foundation.  Used by permission.

Faith or Fear?

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I don’t think I have any true phobias.  I hate snakes but growing up in Texas can do that to a person.  I don’t like bugs but that may be due to my being a ‘bug magnet,’ and I strongly dislike them flying in my face.  I have issues with heights sometimes and would never do a Wallenda-type stunt, but I would love to experience a zip line.  I have a limit to how long I can be in a large crowd before I need to retreat and regroup, but that is because I am, by nature, an introvert.

Most of what I am truly afraid of involves losses from which I cannot protect myself:  death, economic upheaval, broken relationships, and lost time are the key ones.   Events that are beyond my control.  I live in a broken world where bad things happen, sometimes senselessly, even to really good people.  I can’t control what other people do.  I have no influence over how the financial markets operate or the events that mold them.  Sometimes, time passes unused or is spent waiting, waiting, seemingly wasted.  I find myself making choices trying to avoid these kinds of losses.  I am afraid of encountering them because it hurts me when I do.

In my “Friend of God” post from August 28th, I list five Hebrew words for faith.  They are usually translated “believe,” “trust,” “refuge,” “hope,” and “wait.”  Reading this list I see a picture of how to live in faith, not in fear.

—Believe God is who He says He is.  The Creator of the universe, my Savior, the only Victor over evil, the Comforter of my soul, Father, King , the I AM.  Believe it enough to lean on Him when times are good and when times are not good.  Believe that He will be there to lean on.  Israel, delivered by God from slavery in Egypt, sustained in the wilderness by God, still did not believe Him enough to lean on Him.

“In spite of all this they still sinned And did not believe in His wonderful works.”        Psalm 78:32

—Trust God will do what He says He will do.  This is about knowing God well enough to understand He is faithful to me.  Knowing God is essential to walking with Him.  When I try to walk with someone whom I do not know, it is usually a trying experience.  I have no basis for anticipating their next move.  I don’t know how fast they will go, if they will defer to me or take the lead.  If I am walking with a friend, I have experience enough with them to anticipate how they will handle a variety of situations and obstacles that arise on our path.  I know how to adjust my speed or my position to accommodate them.   If I have enough experience with God, if I have a well-founded knowledge of Him from His word and prayer and meditation, I know what He expects of our relationship.  I know He will take the lead.  I know how to watch Him to make sure I can follow Him closely.  I know He will be true to Himself.  If my knowledge of God is too limited, I will wrestle with Him for the lead position, stepping on His toes or tripping myself.

“Then Asa called to the Lord his God and said, ‘Lord, there is no one besides You to help in the battle between the powerful and those who have not strength; so help us, O Lord our God, for we trust in You, and in Your name have come against this multitude.  O Lord, you are our God; let no man prevail against You.'”  2 Chronicles 14:11

–Use God as my refuge.  This is the point on the faith continuum where I begin to see how to deal with fear, to see God as a refuge from what frightens me.  Seek Him out as my safe place from evil.  Use Him as a shield, my Protector from spiritual harm, when I choose to face my fear.  Remember that His promise never to leave me is always true.

“…for He Himself has said, ‘I will never desert you, nor will I ever forsake you,’ so that we confidently say, ‘The Lord is my helper, I will not be afraid.  What will man do to me?'”  Hebrews 13:5b,6

I have been at several places of choosing in my life where there didn’t seem to be a wrong answer or a bad choice.  The choices usually consisted of two potential paths, although once there were three options.  One possible path commonly appeared comfortable, familiar, ordinary.  It was full of budding experiences that have proven positive in the past and it felt safe.  But there was no apparent potential for Godly change beyond what was ordinary and harmless.  The other was full of unknowns, but it held a promise of spiritual growth and greater eternal blessing.  I know that God can and will use whichever I choose to grow me spiritually.  Am I cheating myself, though, if I forget that He is always with me and is my refuge, if I give in to my fear, and thus choose the more apparently secure path?

“My soul, wait in silence for God only, For my hope is from Him.  He only is my rock and my salvation, My stronghold; I shall not be shaken.  On God my salvation and my glory rest; The rock of my strength, my refuge is in God.  Trust in Him at all times, O people; Pour out your heart before Him;  God is a refuge for us.”  Psalm 62:5-8

–Stand firm on the hope God provides.  The healing salve of hope that enables the warrior to stay in the battle.  This life is not the end!  The Gospel story does not end at the crucifixion.  Jesus is resurrected!  HE IS ALIVE!  Nor does my story end at death or heartache or destitution.  God applies hope to my tragedy, gives it meaning and purpose, uses it to heal the spiritual wounds I sustain.  I can stand, face my fear, engage it head-on, knowing He provides the unwavering and certain hope that “God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God… .“  (Romans 8:28b)

–Always wait on Him to lead me.  I often prefer to be out in front, taking the lead, taking charge.  I see life from a lot of different angles; I like to analyze a situation to the nth detail, weigh the possibilities and make plans to accomplish what I determine is the best course.  But God calls me to wait.  To wait on Him, His timing, His path, to accomplish His goals.  Wait and listen to Him, wait and watch what He is doing around me, wait and get out of His way.

“Wait for the Lord; Be strong and let your heart take courage; Yes, wait for the Lord.”  Psalm 27:14

There is courage to be found in waiting for the Lord, knowing He will not lead me down the wrong path.  He may lead me on a difficult path, but as the shepherd who leads his flock through the dangerous mountain valleys, it is not without purpose.  He is leading me to the luscious mountain meadows where I will eat my fill of His goodness.  To get to the mountaintop with Him, I must follow Him through the valley of the shadow of death and face my fear.  By waiting on Him I am assured He will be with me, ready to protect me from any danger.

Faith or fear?  I aim to choose faith.  When my family and I moved to New England, it was an act of faith.  We had never lived or visited here, knew the numbers of faithful Christians were small, knew no one.  It was the riskiest of the choices we faced–spiritually and financially.  But God led us here.  My husband and I knew, without any doubt, deep in our spirits, this is where God wanted us to be.   It has not been an easy road and we faced many fearful situations, but I know it was the road God intended for us.  My children are faithful Christians today because they grew up in an environment where they had to own and defend their faith or lose it.   At the end of my husband’s life, he was a leader in God’s church because he saw how much he was needed.  He had been one who would usually sit back and let others more qualified than he (in his mind) take the lead; here, there were very few more qualified than he.  The riskier choice, the more fearful choice, was the path to deeper faith and a closer walk with God because God led us to it and through it.

“And there arose a fierce gale of wind, and the waves were breaking over the boat so much that the boat was already filling up.  Jesus Himself was in the stern, asleep on the cushion; and they woke Him and said to Him, ‘Teacher, do You not care that we are perishing?’   And He got up and rebuked the wind and said to the sea, ‘Hush, be still.’  And the wind died down and it became perfectly calm.  And He said to them, ‘Why are you afraid?  Do you still have no faith?'”  Mark 4:37-40

All Bible quotes are from Zondervan’s Classic Reference Bible, New American Standard Bible–Updated Edition copyright 1999 by Zondervan

NEW AMERICAN STANDARD BIBLE, copyright 1960, 1962, 1963, 1968, 1971, 1972, 1973, 1975, 1977, 1995 by the Lockman Foundation.  Used by permission.