I am not an overly emotional female. Oh, over the years I have had my moments. But ask my friends and they will tell you I am a “steady Betty.” They come to me for reasoned, calm advice. I don’t suppress the female side of me, but God gave me the ability to see life in full context, to see potential outcomes, to reason out the pros and cons, to see how His hand works in the big picture of any day as well as in the story of human history. This gift adds balance to my female side ( ever look up the origin of the word ‘hysterical’? ) and enables me to manage my emotions successfully most of the time. Being an introvert, one who processes internally, helps as well. I look like a person in control.
Yesterday, though, was a different story. I have been dreading this week for several months. Wednesday is the second anniversary of my husband’s death from brain cancer. Last year I planned a vacation for this week and was in beautiful Florida with many distractions and new visual images to help me block out the memories. This year I couldn’t think of any place to go. In fact, it seemed God was encouraging me to stay close to home. I have been fairly successful this summer at keeping the memories of my husband’s last few weeks where I want them. They serve no good purpose and tend to paralyze me mentally and emotionally. I am all about forward movement in life right now and I have no patience for anything holding me back.
Yesterday, I woke up feeling okay. I fixed my breakfast, sat down to eat and began to pray. And the dam burst. There was no warning, no stopping it, no getting out of its path. One advantage to living alone is no one sees these moments, no one’s eyes reflect back to me how truly devastating they are. But, there is no one to hold me, either. Just me and God. I prayed and so wanted God to take control, to deliver me. I wanted to know His urging, His path for getting me out of this flood that threatened to drown me. He left me in it, though, all day long. He didn’t let me drown, but all I could hear was my hurt. The flood washed over me in waves that tossed me from heartache to heartache. Every thought came from my sense of loss. From moments of self-pity to moments of deep anger, I bounced through the torrent. The temptation to escape, to try anything to numb the pain, was great. This morning I woke up on the beach, still in one piece, but wondering what was the point of my wretched adventure.
On my Facebook page I quote each day from the Psalms. I am up to Psalm 116 and yesterday’s entry, which I posted before the dam broke, was verses six through nine:
“The Lord preserves the simple; I was brought low, and He saved me. Return to your rest, O my soul, for the Lord has dealt bountifully with you.
For You have rescued my soul from death,
My eyes from tears,
My feet from stumbling.
I shall walk before the Lord
In the land of the living.”
God gave me a guidepost, His hand to hold through the tumultuous day. He gave me a reason to resist temptation, courage to meet the challenge, assurance that I would survive.
I’m not sure what the point of yesterday’s experience was, or is, or will be. I may never know. Maybe my psyche needed the release. Maybe writing this blog entry, perhaps for you, was the point. Maybe there will be a time when I will need the memory of this experience to help someone else, or help myself, through another wretched adventure. Today I am okay, almost back to “steady Betty.” Maybe I needed the reminder that waiting for God’s timing of deliverance, of anything, is worth the day’s trouble. That clinging to faith matters. That trusting Him is not without purpose.
Trusting God–the greatest challenge of my life.
Psalm 4:5 “Offer the sacrifices of righteousness, And trust in the Lord.”
All Bible quotes are from Zondervan’s Classic Reference Bible, New American Standard Bible–Updated Edition copyright 1999 by Zondervan
NEW AMERICAN STANDARD BIBLE, copyright 1960, 1962, 1963, 1968, 1971, 1972, 1973, 1975, 1977, 1995 by the Lockman Foundation. Used by permission.
16 thoughts on “When All You Hear Is Your Hurt”
Keep writing Darby. You know things many of us do not.
My heart aches for you. All I can do is be there for you.
Love you Darby!
Dear sister, you write very well. I had similar moments after my dad’s passing over twenty years ago. It’s almost as if you unwittingly bottle up all the unexpressed grief and then all of a sudden it comes out. Often it’s a inconvenient times or places. I look up to you as an outstanding example of what a Christian woman is. I love your spirit and willingness to share what most of us keep private. May our God bless you with peace and only the sweet memories of your time together. Thank you for your blog post.
This was encouraging, inspiring, humbling. Sometimes when we are in the moment of greatest challenge, we can’t seem to find God there, and in this day and age, we’re too quick to give up. Everything around us wants it fixed now…wants proof that there is a God. But the words from hundreds of years ago are somehow appropriate even for our “educated” and fast-paced world: Proverbs 3:5-6 – “Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight.”
“Straight paths”…the path of least resistance; an easier way…if we just rely on Him, He will see us through to the other side. He tells me “TRUST”, “be patient, child”.
Praying for you to have peace this week, sweet friend. Love you and think about you often. I am so sorry you are going through this!
Thank you for sharing that Darby…God Bless your spirit !
Darby, thank you for sharing. It takes a lot of courage and strength to share yourself with others. You inspire me. You have a way with words. I am praying for you during this difficult time of year.
Writing from the heart and where God leads you–right on target, sweet Sister! Thank you for your words and the the risks you take sharing them. You have much encouragement to offer in God’s hands. Terri
Very poignant and encouraging at the same time. I am also struggling with the last two years and am trying very hard to hold to God’s hand. Love you!
God did not give us the ability to forget. I see the purpose of this to share to serve the needs of others. Your willingness to be so transparent demonstrates a level of trust in your Church family that represents your trust in our Lord God. We are to examine ourselves in light of your experience and Christian wisdom. Thank you Darby
Thank you for sharing this. Love you, sweet friend.
Wonderful! Keep it up! You have so much to share, so many lessons you have learned, and quite a bit of writing skill. May God help you to find the words.
Darby, thank you for sharing with all of us. You are an exmple to us all.
I am a bit behind in my response. You eloquently express the feelings of your day. I am glad you have these moments of release to help you through the rest of your days. It is important to let those emotions out at times. By you sharing that experience with all of us, you are helping many more people than you can imagine. Know that you are loved by many and you are never alone. May the peace that passes understanding fill you with the joy of our Lord. Love you much! Julie
Your heart just burst forth onto the page, and into mine. What honest, real, truthful sharing about life as it is. Reminding me that in the darkest time of our life, God is so there. I sit here at my computer, very late at night, and I was the one who needed to hear this. When you said, “perhaps for you,” my head just nodded and my heart said, “yes.” Thank you for trusting your God, for trusting us with your heart and for trusting yourself, to share. I am so ready to continue walking a new journey with you. Shelly